Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sometimes even with the best intentions

You don't get stuff done.  I really wanted to call the ADA on Friday like I said in my prior post, but I was already feeling anxious about a bridal shower I had to go to on Saturday, and I psyched myself out and didn't manage to call.  I'm going to try again tomorrow, but it's really hard to ask for something you need.

It wasn't all failure this weekend though.  I managed to get through the anxiety of going to this shower and went to it and was reasonably social and supportive.  I also was able to make a request to my friend the bride to sit near somebody I know at the actual wedding so that I'll feel more comfortable and hopefully less awkward.  All of this was incredibly hard to do even though the bride is a friend I truly care about.  When I started dealing with the realities of telling people what happened to me as a child, and reported it to the police to have charges brought against my uncle, I started to withdraw from friends and activities.  Some of it was that I needed to focus on healing and the whole situation just being so overwhelming, a lot was just depression.  I'm still incredibly worried about the trial, and moderately depressed, but I really feel like my depression is under control and I'm missing having close friends and doing activities that I love.  So I'm working on that.  I'm trying to be a better friend.  I'm trying to work up to things I used to love doing.  Going to this shower was a big step for me, and I'm really proud I was able to get myself there.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in negative thoughts.  Not today though, today I feel like I've accomplished something that was really difficult.

Tomorrow, hopefully I can take some of these positive feelings and be brave and call the ADA.

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