More nightmares last night

This time it was that my abuser had taken out an ad in a local newspaper detailing every thing he did to me.  I kept running into people and they all knew who I was and every disgusting thing he did to me.  It was awful.  In my dream he did this to try and discourage me from continuing with the trial, kind of as a show that it's only going to get worse.

In real life I know that this won't happen.  It would be an admission of guilt.  I think what the dream really signifies is that I'm worried about testifying.  There are hundreds of reasons I'm worried about it, but a major one is just the same as when I told my family: I feel like what he did to me makes me gross. I'm embarrassed to have to admit in front of a bunch of strangers what he did to me.  I know I was just a little girl, but I still partly blame myself for not being able to stop him.

After talking with my therapist I think that the other major reason I'm afraid is simply because he threatened me when I was little in order to keep me quiet.  It still feels scary and risky to go against that and tell.

So, what do I do after a nightmare?  When they wake me up I make sure that I'm completely up.  I get up and get some water or use the bathroom, this way I don't fall right back into the same nightmare.  I might also leave a light on, or turn some quiet music on, if I'm really upset I might get a cup of peppermint tea.  Then I usually do a grounding exercise such as petting my dog and really thinking about how he feels and reminding myself over and again that I'm safe in the here and now.  Another thing I might try if my dog is being irksome is just feeling the weight of my body on the bed and feeling the sheets while reminding myself I'm safe.  Then I usually try to think of something happy and daydream until I fall back asleep.  Usually this allows me to finish sleeping without follow up nightmares.

I had a nightmare last night

It was about the day before the trial and then the trial.  I had to go to my grandmother's house for something, and when I got there he was there.  His daughter called me a stupid bitch and said I was trying to ruin her father's life.  He and my grandmother made a last ditch effort to try and get me to not go through with the trial.

Next in the nightmare it was the day of the trial.  I went to court and saw them in the hallway.  My grandmother was telling me I was being selfish, that he had a good life now and that I was trying to take all that away from him.  I remember yelling back that he should just take the plea, then he won't have to risk going to jail, because all I asked the ADA was to get him on probation and on the sex offender registry.  They yelled back that he would never take the plea and that they were going to make this as hard for me as possible.  Next thing I remember is having a panic attack, thinking I couldn't testify.  Then I was testifying, and it was awful.  His lawyer was trying to trip me up with my words, and I blanked and couldn't remember anything.  Then I woke up.

I know this nightmare is just my own fear of what's going to happen with the trial but it was awful and so realistic.  I'm so angry that this is giving me nightmares again.  I'm also really worried now that I am going to mess up when testifying.  This sucks.